A serial inspired by our eighth wedding anniversary.
Part 3 – Divorce
Y’all I knew by the way he looked at me. I didn’t hear the other person on the line. He just looked at me with such sadness that I knew he knew. It was awful. He asked if it was true and I wanted it to not be so bad, I wanted to say no. All I could do was cry and apologize. His eyes welled with tears and I remember seeing the wrinkles in his chin from trying to fight it. He was sad for a moment then so so angry. He was putting on his shoes then got the keys and was heading for the door but I begged him not to go. I cried some of the most painful tears. The fear of not knowing what our life would be now was excruciating. Joe didn’t answer any of my texts or calls. When he gets upset he likes to be alone without me and he doesn’t want to talk about it right away. I am the opposite. I have to talk about it right then and I don’t like being alone when I’m upset.
Talking about this is still hard for me so I’m not going to spend too much time on it.
This was our rock bottom.
He left. After a few days he ended up getting some stuff and staying at his moms. He was so awful to me, calling me all kinds of names and telling me very hurtful negative things about myself and the girl I had caught him talking to! Y’all it got so bad! By now he was deciding to stay separated but never brought up the word divorce. Gina ended up needing surgery soon after. When she was a baby I noticed a bump on her head and always brought it up that I think its growing. She had x-rays and a sonogram eventually after seeing a specialist. She had a dermoid cyst on her head,, between her skull and scalp so they had to sedate her by putting her under and remove it. Oh my gosh y’all surgery was supposed to be 20min he said quick. It took an hour without an update so my mama heart was breaking. My mind was everywhere! They finally called up to the desk and told us to meet in a consulting room. I was a mess. We had seen doctors come update families in the waiting room so we panicked. Plus I was having flashbacks of my dads accident. The surgeon said everything went great but he was thorough to make sure it didn’t grow back. I asked why we were in that particular room and he said he liked privacy. Thanks doc. After surgery I remember we had a huge argument back at the house. His mom had come over to see Gina and she told me Joe wanted to spend time with her. I was like well yeah he’s here. She said Gina was going with them. Gina was sleeping in my arms and i remember looking at Joe like wtf? His mom called hos cousin to speak to her husband because he was a police officer. He told Joe to physically strip the child from my arms.. My mom called the police. I felt sick. Like what? My baby just had surgery and needs to rest. Wjy is your mom causing drama?? Our moms cussed each other out and Joe just apologized and they left. I couldn’t believe it. I had been losing weight and I couldn’t hold down any food from all the stress. But I still had Georgina to take care of so I tried to stay distracted. I remember we had planned a day for him to come over to talk and spend time with Gina. Leading up to that day my mom had mentioned something about me being sick. When Joe came over that day I had to tell him I was pregnant! My mom had brought me the expensive test that can tell you how pregnant you are, turns out I was over 3 weeks along when I tested. I remember telling Joe and him being such an A hole about it. Like I planned it or trapped him. I know he was saying all of this out of anger and being so hurt with me, he was trying to hurt me every chance he got. I remember him telling me not to go sleep with someone while I’m pregnant with his baby. Like what? That’s so messed up to say, but again I just took it because I knew he was hurt. He did eventually come back after a while.
We didn’t trust each other anymore. I hurt him so bad. It was probably worse than it had to be. The other person felt the need to tell Joe not only what happened and the details, but all the other times they made passes at me and I did nothing. We realize now that this person has such a cold heart. They take joy is seeing others in pain. After all this we obviously cut all ties. This just made it worse for Joe and I. He now had a visual. He was upset that I continued to be friends with them knowing how they thought of me. Like this could have been prevented. He said if I trusted him enough to handle it like a man I would have said something the first time it happened. Maybe he’s right. But I don’t think the same way. Now days that would get shut the eff down so quick! But I was so young and stupid. I got caught up.
Things were rocky for a long time! Joe would come and go as he pleased. I couldn’t really ask anything anymore. He didn’t want to talk to me. When he did he was wasted and he’d be yelling about all the details and yelling about how I betrayed him and what a fool he has been. He called me all kinds of names. Like it legit got verbally abusive. I took it though, it felt like nothing compared to what his pain was. This went on for months though. Just about every single day he was drinking after work. He would play music, smoke and drink until he passed out every day. I did that to him. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t care how long this went on. It was like living on egg shells though. Its like he wanted to forgive me and would be talking or laughing or something then it would hit him like a cold wave and he’d say something smart and we’d argue and cry and apologize and beg him not to leave me, pleading to him that I’m not the same person. Everyday. It was very draining and unhappy for us both.
Joe ended up losing his job because this guy worked with him. I know. He had been having to see his stupid face for months. One day he just got fed up of kicked in his car door. The parking lot security cameras caught it so he couldn’t deny it. When this happened he was offered a job in Houston working learning how to build houses and all the components so he’d do remodeling too. He was gone two weeks at a time and would come home on the weekend then drive back. We didn’t really talk like before though. When we did it was about the weather, how’s work, how’s the baby mixed in with blaming me, hating me, what a terrible person I am. Months of this went by. Then he hated having to drive that far and being away so much. He ended up getting a job here but he couldn’t be home with me so much anymore. He ended up leaving again to live with his mom. This time it was for a while.
During this time separation was real. My mom tried to keep me busy. Georgina and I were going everywhere and doing everything with my family. Joe and I had decided we weren’t going to be together anymore. That no matter how much we loved each other there was no trust. I was pregnant though and in the state of Texas, divorce is not allowed while pregnant. He told me he was going to see other people, that hurt me. I remember telling him all I wanted was for him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. I told him every time we spoke, how sorry I was for what I had done. Some nights we would talk for hours on the phone like we used to and it would sound like we were going to work it out. Then the next day he would call and tell me that we would never be together again and tell me I’m probably already sleeping with someone else. Like I said it was very back and forth. He’d say things like he’ll never love again but he’s going to sleep around because love isn’t real. I broke him. I broke us. What we had. It was awful. Eventually Joe would call just to be mean, or blow up my phone texting very hateful messages because he had been day drinking and was wasted and in his feeling. It was really unhealthy for us both. To keep bringing up the most unhappy moment and reliving those feelings. While we were separated for the next few months I turned to God. I prayed all the time at the catholic church down the street, a nun had come to my house and prayed over it, I started going to my cousins church also. I had to work on myself and pray for forgiveness, I prayed for Joe, I prayed for my family to be ok and make it through this.
I remember having a few friends during this time. Joe was out there living life, meeting new people, on dating apps and out with friends. For the longest time I didn’t have friends, and remember I was a stay at home mom so I didn’t go out. I was trying to find myself again. Not looking for love or for sex but a friend. Someone who didn’t know my life and my problems.
I remember my aunt having a coworker see my picture pop up on her phone when we were texting one day. She told me he thought I was beautiful. I guess he asked like what’s her story or something and she told him I was a single mom, going through a divorce and that I was pregnant. He said he couldn’t understand why a man would leave me. It was nice to hear. I had been hearing such hateful and hurtful comments from Joe and he was kind. He asked for my number and I told her that was fine.
I hope you’re not all thinking. How could I? I apologized to Joe over and over and over for months like a year. All I got in return was hate back. Being called every name in the book, feeling like trash, feeling unworthy, like used and thrown away, he was angry and hurt but after hearing this all every day for months it was exhausting. I loved him and wanted to earn his trust again, but he was already checked out. You can’t fix a relationship on your own. Both people have to put in the work to try but he wasn’t interested.
This guy and I texted and talked almost everyday! He made me forget I was sad and that my life was falling apart. We were getting to know so much about the other. Believe it or not he was like my moms age. He had kids older and younger than me. I never met him in person and it wasn’t sexting or anything like that. He literally just became like my best friend and we talked all the time. He made me laugh and feel less empty.
I remember having to apply for assistance through the state. I was a stay at home mom with a mortgage and all the other bills with no idea how to do it. I remember they sent info to the child support office and it got real. We had to meet like mediation and discuss payment and such. It was sad and weird because I never though in a million years that we’d ever be in that office or in this situation. I remember my last straw of giving up on the idea of Joe and I was when I went to a marriage counseling class at church and he came in making a scene shouting about my infidelity. I was mortified. I was advised to get a restraining order and make a police report. After this night he basically harassed me. Where ever I went or whoever I talked to, my social media account, my family. He was being loud and hurtful. I decided to go ahead and file the divorce myself even though I was pregnant. I figured at least we can get it started so after I give birth we can finalize it.
This was surreal. Finding a lawyer and getting the process started. I remember them telling me when they served Joe the papers. Ugh it was awful. I thought he was on the same page. Telling me he wish he never loved me and what a terrible human being I was I was surprised he didn’t file first. He was even more hurt that I had enough. That I said I would try to make it up to him the rest of my life and that I know we were meant to be and that I would always love him. All which were true, but I wanted him to genuinely be happy and he was obviously so miserable and was so consumed by this. I was doing us both a favor. I was doing what maybe he didn’t have the strength to do because he did still love me. The first time we were in court was to establish visitation for Georgina, my mom had to put in her 2 cents and made it all dramatic and embarrassing for me.
Glenn was born in September and by then Joe and I were friendly. Joe was there for the birth and the whole hospital stay was like we were together again. But by the time I went home he was back to sending text after text of being an A hole. By now when he sent me messages like this I just ignored the. I used to apologize each time all over again and cry and feel like shit all over again, but after so much of it I just had to stop. I apologized which is all I can do at this point. I’ve asked for forgiveness but he couldn’t. That’s kind of the end of it. I can’t be beat up about the same issue for years and just feel depressed right? Like it’s not healthy. I remember my mom basically living with me in Fort Worth to help me take care of the kids. I had a job lined up right at the 6 week mark for Glenn. My mom stayed at my house with the kids while I went to work. I was in training 6 weeks and out on the floor when it came time for our second court date. The night before Joe had texted and asked it he could come over.
I had told him no because I was honestly nervous. My mom was home with the kids and I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it. I had texted her letting her know and she said to meet somewhere public if I had to. He was very persistent about meeting with me. I didn’t get off work until like 10:30pm or so but I agreed and we met in the Cracker Barrel parking lot.
This time we spoke I remember just sitting out on porch rocking chair and him sitting in the chair across from me outside Cracker Barrel. I asked what he wanted to talk about since it was later and I had just got off work. I was ready to go home and see my babies.
He asked me if this is what I really want? To get a divorce tomorrow? No, of course this isn’t what I want. I told him how much I loved him and never wanted to picture my life without him. That he was the best decision I ever made. That I regretted what I did and lying about it all this time, that I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take away all the pain I caused and all the time we wasted.
I remember him crying and saying he didn’t want this. That he’s sorry for how he’s treated me but that he was just so hurt. He told me about how miserable he had been all these months. He isn’t really going out on dates or meeting anyone. He said most days he would be so drunk and just cry and listen to music that reminded him of us and look through old memory cards of photos of us over the years. He said the other days he would be so angry and break stuff and message me. We talked a while. I remember him saying he wanted to forgive me but it hurt him so bad. That he is ok one minute and the next he can’t stop crying. He just kept saying to please give him and us another chance, to cancel the divorce. I was so scared. Like what if this was a trick. Our parents and families were all opinionated on the divorce to it was already nasty. What if I did fire my lawyer then he tries to get full custody. or take the house. or something crazy ya know? What if he says all the right things then my mom leaves and I’m stranded because she told me so. I was not giving in. I told him how much I loved him and how much I prayed for this but that I can’t believe it. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he can honestly put this in the past and let us start new. He had already come back to the house and left 5 times, why would this time be different? And this is what I was telling him. I remember just telling him that we are having the same conversation over and over. I had told him I wish him nothing but love and happiness because of how wonderful he is. I was walking to my car and he just ran after me hugging me crying saying this time he was for real. That we were meant to be. I was the one he was waiting for and the one that he loves with all his heart. He apologized for all the mean things he said. He begged me to let him move back in too. Remember my mom basically lived with me now and we had a routine going. If I did say ok and give our marriage another chance my mom would leave but leave and not talk to me. She would think of it like I pick him over her and she’s the one who’s been here for me. I couldn’t do that to me mom. But what about my marriage? What if this was what I had been wishing and hoping for! Another chance?
We ended up sitting in the car and talking some more. We started gazing at each other, telling each other how much we loved the other, a touch here and there. We had the best car sex and this is how Giuliana was conceived. For real.
I remember talking to my mom about what he said and she thought he was setting me up. The next day I had an event at Baylor Medical and all morning I just kept thinking it over. I remember Joe calling and us talking for a while. It felt different. It felt happy and hopeful. He had asked me if I gave it any more thought and that he wanted to move back today. I told him about my mom and that I have a good job that I don’t want to quit. He said he would quit his job and stay home with the kids, that he’d be a SAHD! That we would figure it out.
That moment we both vowed to leave the past in the past. We vowed to be open and honest moving forward. We vowed to be better at sharing our feelings and communicating better. We remembered why we fell in love to begin with. We remembered the fire we had for each other. We renewed the vows we made on our wedding day. In good times and bad, forever and ever. This was a turning point in our relationship and a second chance for our marriage.
Next week
“When I was leaving the event I told my mom what I had decided. I told her this was the turning point in my marriage and I can’t wonder what if we tried 1 more time. Joe was talling his mom while I was telling mine. Neither of them liked the idea and both of them thought we were tricking the other. That once it was just us we’d be back to the same old b.s.”
Xoxo
Angelina
Mommy of G. Crew 